Your mom wants it

Nestled in the wild, whisperin’ pines where the urinals run deep and the short-dick jokes run even deeper, High in the Pines unleashes the Long Johns T-Shirt—a merciless, piss-takin’ roast that says “yeah, mine hangs lower than yours, and the proof’s right here on my chest, bitch.”

Long Johns T-Shirt Unfold your savage confidence with the Long Johns T-Shirt—a brutal, laugh-or-cry tee that celebrates extra length with three urinals: two normal ones and one mounted so goddamn low it’s basically a handicap stall for hung legends. This classic unisex jersey short sleeve tee mixes filthy locker-room humor with everyday comfort, perfect for flexin’ at the bar, droppin’ truth in the locker room, or just remindin’ every short-stack in the room that some kings measure in inches, not excuses.

Premium Comfort Crafted from 100% Airlume combed and ring-spun cotton (4.2 oz/yd², 142 g/m²), this lightweight, breathable fabric is ideal for sweaty workouts, post-piss flex sessions, or layering with zero shame. Fabric blends include: Ash and Heather Prism: 99% cotton, 1% polyester Heather and Solid Blend colors: 52% cotton, 48% polyester Athletic Heather and Black Heather: 90% cotton, 10% polyester

Flattering Fit Designed with a retail fit for both laid-back and semi-formal vibes, featuring a classic crew neckline that pairs seamlessly with whatever ego you’re packin’ today. Ribbed knit collars and tapered shoulders ensure a sharp silhouette, while dual side seams maintain shape through every wear.

Ethically Crafted Proudly produced by Bella+Canvas in the US and internationally, using humane, no-sweat-shop, sustainable practices. Certified by the Fair Labor Association and Platinum WRAP, this tee matches your long-dick energy with real values.

Skin-Friendly Details A tear-away label eliminates irritation, letting you rock the “Long Johns” superiority with zero itch and maximum hang time.

Built for You Perfect for the hung legends who know the urinal height chart don’t lie, the ones who’ve made grown men question their genetics, and anyone who wants their shirt to scream “measure up or shut up” without droppin’ trou. Whether you’re pissin’ at the bar, flexin’ in the locker room, or just ownin’ the day with cocky swagger, this soft, high-quality tee is your go-to for turnin’ heads, sparklin’ envy, and remindin’ every short king that the low urinal is for winners only.

Wear the Long Johns T-Shirt and let your extra-long legend status hang loud and proud—because some advantages are measured in porcelain inches. 🍆🪠😈